Random Thoughts #2: Feeling Bad
I started this morning with thoughts I have slept with last night. Still remember crying over these things. I asked God last,last night to give me a reason why I really have to stay firm at my decision of keeping a distance from him and guess what, I have gotten the—well,sort of the most ‘painful’ and very convincing reason why I really should—best news ever. Ever. *insertsarcasmhere* I know I shouldn’t be feeling this way and I should’t be writing this as if some of my friends wouldn’t get to read this and realize how much hurt I am. But I need some outlet. It’s been long since I have my heart broken and feeling this way now,it’s kind of unusual to me. I don’t know what to do. I think,papa got the notion that there’s something wrong because I’ve been acting like somebody had pissed me even if my siblings didn’t. I have fallen in love,I guess. With him. Because if not,I wouldn’t have this kind of feeling. I wouldn’t deny it anymore. At least not now. Well maybe this is the first and last time I will be talking about this. I will make sure of that.
Perhaps,now is really not the time for me. For this kind of things. For love. Now that I’m feeling hurt,I get to realize that I’m again rushing things. I have almost forgotten the things I should be prioritizing. Somehow,I should be thanking ‘whoever’ for reminding me. I have thought of things that will keep me busy for the next days so I wouldn’t be engaged into deep thinkings and be reminded of this ‘heartache’. There’s my accounting books and the sketching I am really putting so much effort on so I could be better. Oh,by the way,I’m doing a sketch of Zac. Well,I think its good or perhaps its my ego’s working. *sigh* I am now blabbing nonsensical things. Pardon the incoherence. Pardon my too much drama. Just try to understand.
Friends,expect some heartbroken poems from me for the next days that’ll follow. I am hell of a sure I can write something now. After all,I am sad. That’s really when they come.
Random thoughts…
It seems like everything is very frustrating now. I don’t know. I just really couldn’t get to understand myself. Perhaps it is what vacation can make. Because,literally,you got all these free times—boring times and thinking times—which you really don’t have on school days because you are practically busy with all the school-stuff. And each day,I’m being inconsistent. There’s this time that I’m happy all out and then after a few hours I will get to think about something and then I will lose the happy air and start to get sad. Sometimes,I get to think about these weird things,come-what-mays,and what-ifs. And those are really,really weird. And also,there’s this thing about my writing-blah-blah. I couldn’t get to write anything! REALLY! And that sucks because writing is something that I very much love doing. I couldn’t even force myself to read something which is very,very unusual because I used to read books especially on vacations. Arrgh. I’m starting to get pissed. Malapit na talaga.
I just have to update this blog that’s why I’m posting this nonsensical-whatever since I really can’t write something decent nowadays. Ciao.
How Much I Felt STUPID
Heading back home, I struggled real hard to fight my tears from falling. All I wanted was to cry. Just to let it all loose. Sa lahat ng bagay, AYOKO SA LAHAT YUNG PINAGMUMUKHA AKONG TANGA. And all that time when I was all out of the place finding them and then realized that they are hiding from me, shoot, it was like my mind wanted to explode and my heart felt heavy. I felt stupid. So, so stupid. Why did they have to do that? Does that what make you guys feel good about? Always, always making fun of me? Isa lang ako, pwede ba kahit minsan bahagian niyo naman ako ng kahit isang kakampi? Para pag feeling ko nasa boiling point na ko, may kasama ko sa pagmamaktol? Para pagfeeling ko nagmumukha na kong tanga may karamay ako. Hindi naman sa lahat ng bagay palagi tayong magbibiruan, diba? It just hurts so bad because those person who you always expect to turn to when you need comfort and reassurances could not get to understand you somehow. Could not get to bear your flaws and all.
All people have their limitations, their turning point or boiling point or whatever the hell they call that. And I have reached mine today.
I know this outburst seems like kind of immature and all. But I just needed something to put all these bad feelings into. After all, it is the use of this blog, isn’t it? A diversion.
Hey
Know what, someone told me that when you have a crush on someone and you keep on thinking of him each day and that each day become each week and that each week become months till it summed up to 68 days you are in love. I started counting. Well, I don’t know if it is true but then I started counting because I really can’t get you out of my head. You blighted peace and it is a bad sign. ’Cause I am not ready to fall again specially if no one is there to catch me. And I know that you wouldn’t be there. In fact, I don’t want you to know that I am having this itsy-bitsy thing for you. We are friends and for all the goddamn sake of that word, I don’t want you to know. Its just that, it is getting harder and harder each day because I can’t seem to look at you straight in the eyes without smiling. I just hope that you are oblivious enough to not notice.
And, oh, did someone told you before that you are a trouble? Because you are!
Hey.
Its been a while since the last time we got a decent talk and I kinda miss you and your good humor. There are times when we crossed ways at the school corridor or out on the streets, and on those times I was always in a battle with my mind whether to say hi first or to wait for you to do that. And, always, I ended up pretending that I did not notice you approaching or that I did not care. And when you confronted me about that one afternoon, I really didn’t know what to say. I am still wondering if you have caught me smiling that moment because I was. Well, somehow, it felt good. Perhaps because I got the notion that you somehow care about me.Tell me, do you really care?
I know that you are not okay now. Just so you know, you have a friend in me. You could always, always talk to me and I will find time to listen. Because to tell you, I care. I care enough to bother.
2nd Letter to Ed
Dear Ed,
Do you know what is the worst thing I hate the most? It is being alone. I never like being alone. it is just, well, it hurts. Because it gives me time to think of everything. About my life. Expectations. Frustrations. All the things I wanted to be but couldn’t. All the things I wanted to have but haven’t. I am not a person with a strong mind, Ed. I always end up thinking about the ‘what-ifs’ and ‘what-could-have-beens’ that is why it is hard for me to move on to all that have happened. I always blame myself when I failed into something . And now, I am almost failing. And just the prospect of it is beyond unbearable. Just the thought of disappointing those persons who expect so much from you, those persons you have almost spent your whole life pleasing, is more than enough to handle. I am always in the verge of tears every night before I go to sleep. Always, always in the verge of tears. I really don’t know what to do to fix everything now, Ed. Really, really don’t know. Can you or anybody please tell me where to start?
Drowned by frustrations,
Nobody
1st Letter to Ed
Dear Ed,
You may wonder who I am because I am writing something with your name on it. And whoever may get to pass by with this letter may ask the same or may ask who you are instead. To tell you, I am ‘nobody’. Someone you won’t bother to know. Someone who could not catch anyone’s attention. And hell, I am someone not interesting. Its just that I have seen your name one afternoon on a book that my best friend forced me to borrow and read which turned out to be one of the sweetest book yet heartbreaking that I have read so far. And I thought that perhaps I could write to you everything that I could not get to tell my friends or anyone that I know. And since you don’t know me and I don’t know you personally, everything that I am going to tell you will be safe. Hopefully.
I have gotten the notion that writing something for you to read is fine since you are used to reading letters. Well, basically, its an estimation. Yes, of course, how could I know. But after reading a series of letters sent to you by your ex-girlfriend with all the heartbreaking reasons why you two broke up, is there any letter that you could not read? I just hope that you won’t be bored about my stories. And that you will take me seriously. By just doing that, you have helped someone who is struggling real hard in managing her feelings because she is not the talking type that could spit out everything that made her feel bad and then feel good afterwards. Instead, she is the writing type that always put into words all that she feels.
And now that I have sort of asked you a permission, I am telling you that the letters won’t come on an everyday basis. So, please don’t expect them. They will just knock your door on the not-so-busy-days.
And, yeah, thank you.
She that you don’t know who,
‘Nobody’
P.S. And, here, this is the book where I have gotten your name.
There are times that even if you love someone that much that wouldn’t be enough to make him stay. That even if it hurts so much you have to take it all in. Believing that someday, little by little, the pain will slowly disappear like nothing happened.
But what if it won’t?
What if each day you still keep on asking why he left?
What if each day the feeling just keep on getting deeper in deeper while he’s not around?
Yeah, it hurts. But you just have to accept the fact that sometimes love is not enough.
In Dreams,You Exist
We walk side by side
With our hands tightly tied
Kicking stones on the ground
Happy I am because you are around
~
The feel of your hand in mine, I am loving the heat
Letting go of it I could not think of a bit
If I could make time stood still, I would
So we could remain like this
And forever be in bliss
~
But little by little the image scattered
Like glass we are shattered
You and me, I thought it was real
With the answer in my head my mind reels
~
I am sad and sorry
To myself I worry
Because it hurts so bad and I want you back
But as I open my eyes I realize
You and me only in dreams we are alive
No forever for us will ever arrive
Because you are a dream
To me, a distant star
That no matter how I try
I could not reach
Because you are very far.
Intersection
Under the gray sky,amidst the buzzing and droning of the busy crowd,he looked at me.
With his brown eyes and enchanting smile.
As if the Earth had stopped from rotating and the world fell in a pit of silence.
All went into slow motion.
1, 2, 3…,seconds passed.
58,59,60…,a minute has gone.
All I did was to hold him in sight.
How I long to touch that pretty face and feel his breathing.
To run my hand into his hair and trace the lines of his nose.
Still,all I did was to hold him in sight.
That smile,those eyes…
Maybe they are made from diamonds and golds because they are enthralling.
Or perhaps from Heaven because they are ambrosial and divine.
Right then and there,I thought we have traveled across time.
Because in my head,I saw Romeo and Juliet laughing, Peter Pan and Wendy flying,
Jack painting Rose and him holding my hand on the streets of 16th century…
And then something hit me.
Was this…?
Is this what they call…?
“Goodbye.” he said.
That’s when I realized that we have reached the intersection where I have to turn right and him head straight.
The intersection of fate.
Where I am bound to choose between two roads.
To turn right, away from him,
Or to head straight, follow him and continue the walk.
“Goodbye.” I whispered.
That’s the only word I got to say.
~
NOTE: Written way back 07.15.12. This,I guess, will serve as the first entry for a series of my short stories.
